I regret writing this almost as much as you'll regret reading it.

There's a woman here who sits 15 steps away from me. I walk past her cube to use the secret door to go to the secret bathroom about 5 times a day because I drink a lot of water these days.


I've never talked to her. But she has a 3 foot tall metal plant stand outside of her cube with an elvis clock sitting on top of it. The kind that his bottom half swings back and forth so it looks like his hips are moving. Don't act like you don't know.


So this girl, or grandmother aged woman I should say, deems it necessary to have a constant flow of candy for the easily tempted (me) and refills her plant stand/elvis thing with a nice and fresh assortment every week. (it was a sad week when she was on vacation july 6-10).


Since we've never talked, I always feel weird taking stuff when she's at her desk because I feel like I need to strike up a convo in exchange for the free gift..but frankly, I don't want to. I just want the candy. So I always walk past on my way to the bathroom, check to see if she's there, and eye what I wanna swipe if she's gone. I don't want to draw attention to myself by stopping to dig around or something so it's kind of like that pick up sticks game..what can i take that will be quick and easy and won't disturb any of the other pieces of candy so the man across from her doesn't hear me rustling through her goods.


So today. Coast is clear. I eye one of those long skinny laffy taffys. On my way back, I swiped it up without even having to pause. It was super smooth. I walk back to my desk and try to unwrap it.


Let me just tell you that the next 6 minutes were dedicated to pure frustration trying to eat that dang thing. I had to get out my scissors and clearly was in a frantic struggle, me vs. green apple, when one of the more intimidating people I work with walked in on me. She just kind of stared at me for the longest 6 seconds of my life. I set down my scissors and threw the candy to the corner of my desk behind some 3 ring binders out of instinct. She asked her question. I stuttered out an answer. She gave me a weird look. Walked away.


I'm sticking to my sugarless gum now to get my fix. Mainly because when someone catches you with a long skinny green apple laffy taffy and a pair of scissors..it's kind of embarrassing.