Walk This Way

I have a love-hate issue with spring in Minneapolis. Mainly because everyone goes nuts when it hits 40 for the first time...then 50...then 60.

I am an avid runner and avid people watcher so naturally Calhoun is the ideal place for combining these two..as long as I remember to wear sunglasses (to avoid awkwardness and/or eye contact, something Scott from American Idol should have considered). However, there is one thing that stands in my way, or should I say slowly walks in my way, of having a perfect run on a beautiful spring day like today: walkers.

Allow me to break it down a bit.

1. STROLLING COUPLES. Maybe I've been unattached for too long and the bitterness of hundreds of couples gets to me, but I'm just not too fond of the hand holding strolls, the most common site at Calhoun.

1A. NEWLY DATING. I usually fake listen to my ipod and slow my pace around these ones, just for a good laugh. One person is usually dominating the conversation, however, you can sense that whole I'm-not-telling-you-the-whole-truth-sort-of-thing about the story because they're still trying to make themselves seem like a good catch. In which case, they would then become the generic strolling hand holding couple in just a few short weeks.

1B. OLD COUPLES. I don't mind these ones as much. Chances are she's just trying to get him to lose a little weight and he's just going because she makes him. Whatever the case may be, they usually walk at a normal pace and are aware of the people around them. They don't hog the path and they initiate the smile, smile back routine more than any other demographic.

1C. TEEN COUPLES. These make me uncomfortable. They walk slower than regular couples because the guy is usually trying to do the swagga walk and the girl is usually wearing something too tight or uncomfortable to walk at anything more than baby step speed.

2. FAMILIES. I'm ok with a couple with a stroller, but when it's 3 kids on scooters plus Grandma, a dog, and Uncle Frank...no thanks. Keep it in the neighborhood, not the busyiest running and biking areas in the city.

3. OLD FRIENDS. Usually women or homosexual men and they typically talk obnoxiouly loud and speed walk at the perfect speed that makes it hard to get away from them fast enough.

4. GROUPS OF 3 OR MORE. This is not ok with me. I refuse to be a part of a group of 3 or more walkers at Calhoun and I encourage all others to adhere to the same high standards I set for myself.

5. PETS. I'm ok with dog walkers on two conditions: short leashes and owners who pay attention. The fateful fall of September 2008 could have been avoided had it been for those two factors.

6. WOBBLERS. These may or may not be the same people in one of the above mentioned groups, but what makes them stand out is their inability to walk in a straight line with their weight somewhat evenly distributed. Not only do they keep you guessing as to which side would be better to pass on, they also take up valuable path space on a two way path. If this were a one way system we had going on, ok, I could deal with it, but instead I am stuck jogging in place waiting for 12 inches of room to pass so I can get on with my run.

Luckily my running feeds off the frusteration I experience at Calhoun so perhaps I have these people to thank for my PR time in the 2008 Twin Cities Marathon. So...thanks.